A clinical psychologist has shared the telling signs that you’re a people pleaser – and offered four practical steps to stop putting everyone else’s feelings and needs before your own.
Often defined by the toxic trilogy of being overly agreeable and helpful, feeling anxious about being liked, and having difficulty asserting and holding boundaries, people pleasing is most commonly seen in women.
While kindness and cooperation are healthy traits, constantly prioritising other people can lead to stress, burnout and simmering resentment.
Clinical psychologist Dr Marielle Quint sees scores of female patients in their mid-thirties onwards who are struggling to cope with their daily lives – and are totally unaware it’s because they have heaped huge amounts of pressure on themselves.
She told the Daily Mail: ‘Patients don’t come to me when they are having a breakdown, there are no tears or drama – they usually complain of feeling flat, permanently tired, disconnected from life and irritable with the people they love most.
‘But then on top of that, they admit that they are quietly appalled by their own feelings and angry that they can’t say “no”.’
Gently probing for more information, Dr Quint will hear how a patient feels the need to make a variety of different meals for her family at every meal, offers to help colleagues at work, agrees to her partner’s last minute plans which affect her own social life, and is also bearing the brunt of supporting her elderly parents.
It’s a common situation.
Millions of women aged from their thirties onwards struggle with people-pleasing
Many women in their 40s and 50s are parenting children who still need them – some are also grandparents – while simultaneously supporting their ageing parents who increasingly need them too.
Dubbed the ‘sandwich generation’, as well as being caught up in a ‘tug of war’ between the two age groups, they are still expected to perform at work and maintain their relationships, and in a lot of cases, navigate menopause.
Dr Quint added: ‘When life becomes overwhelming, high-functioning women rarely fall apart, they just get better at coping – but that means that their exhaustion often goes unnoticed – sometimes even by themselves.
‘Women are expected to absorb more and to adapt to every situation, but we are not infinitely expandable, even if many of us were raised to believe that being good meant being endlessly accommodating.’
So how do you break the habit of being a people pleaser – and finally learn to put yourself first? Dr Quint shares her practical tips below.
The approval trap: how worrying about what others think fuels people pleasing
‘People-pleasing masquerades as kindness, but puts others’ needs before your own,’ said Dr Quint, adding that it is often symptomatic of struggling to set and enforce personal boundaries.
‘You cannot read minds, and you cannot control what others think. And saying yes when you mean no doesn’t make you nice, it makes you unavailable to yourself.’
To start letting go of people-pleasing, she suggests saying “I can’t” without any additional reasoning or excuses, and recognising that “no” is a complete sentence – not the opening line of a negotiation.
Furthermore, she making a tally of how many times you apologise in a day can make it clear how much you are kowtowing to others.
‘One you have your number of sorries, cut it in half and try not to apologise more than that the next day until you have stopped saying it – you’ll soon see that the world does not end,’ she said.
‘Stop apologising for things that aren’t problems, like replying late to an email or text.
‘There is no harm in letting someone be momentarily disappointed without scrambling to fix their feelings.’
And a suggestion that will seem especially radical to hardcore people pleasers is that you can choose not to attend an event, or go and leave early, if that is what is best for you.
How self-compassion can break the cycle of negative self-talk
“You should be better at this. Why can’t you just cope? Everyone else manages…” Many women would never speak to a friend or stranger the way they speak to themselves internally, with the tone of the harshest critic.
Dr Quint says that the constant mental commentary doesn’t motivate improvement, it creates paralysis.
‘The voice telling you you’re “not enough, not doing enough, not good enough” is not wisdom,’ she said.
‘That’s often the voice of exhaustion, hormones, or early life lessons about having to earn love through achievement.’
To counter the negative self-talk, Dr Quint recommends self-compassion.
‘It’s treating yourself with the same basic decency you’d show someone you care about,’ she said.
‘Instead of saying “I’m useless, I forgot the school trip money again”, try “I’m managing a lot. I’ll sort it tomorrow. This is not a moral failing.”
‘When the critical voice starts, pause and ask yourself “Is this true, or is this my exhaustion talking?” Nine times out of ten, it’s exhaustion.’
Stretching yourself too thin: the hidden cost of always saying yes
Dr Quint often has to remind her burnt out clients ‘you are a human being with a finite amount of energy, patience, and time, you were not built to be infinitely expandable.’
If you’ve found your daily to-do lists often have dozens of tasks on them, it might be a good idea to highlight the ones that no one has specifically asked you to do but you’ve taken on ‘because someone has to remember and you’ve always been that someone.’
Dr Marielle Quint says that women are most prone to people pleasing
‘Making the “not my job” list can be a hard exercise to do,’ said Dr Quint.
‘Somewhere deep down, we believe that if we just get to the bottom of the list, we’ll finally be able to rest. But the list is infinite and it will never be finished, ever.’
Once you have your “not my job” list, she suggests choosing one thing each day that you will deliberately not do.
‘Cross it off,’ she explains. ‘Don’t think “I’ll do it later” – actively decide it’s not happening.
‘If you’re wobbling and struggling to let things remain undone, use what I call the “catastrophe test” – ask yourself what will happen if it doesn’t get done. It’s rarely a disaster.
‘You’ll see that either someone else figures it out, or it doesn’t get done and no one notices.’
Dr Quint also suggests seeing your packed to-do list as a one in one out scenario.
‘It’s a question of capacity. Before saying yes to anything new, ask: “What am I saying no to if I say yes to this?” There is always a trade-off.
‘Yes to the school PTA means no to something else, often something you need, like rest, space, or sanity.
‘You might also be saying no to good opportunities because you’re already full.’
She also urges a change in mindset, and accepting that most things on your list are not urgent.
‘They just feel urgent because you’ve been taught that leaving things undone makes you lazy,’ she said.
‘If you really need to do something, you can do the bare minimum and call it done.
‘Letting people figure out their own problems and accepting you can’t do it all is not a character flaw!’
The freedom of being ordinary: letting go of perfectionism and pressure
We are bombarded with of images of people living “perfect lives” – some come from close friends and family, others from acquaintances, and a huge number come from picture perfect celebrities and influencers with gorgeous tidy homes, adorable well-behaved children, and cooking skills that would see them crowned champion of both the Great British Bake Off and MasterChef.
But as the old saying goes, comparison is the thief of joy – and can heap untold amounts of pressure on you.
Dr Quint said: ‘You do not have to be exceptional at everything. You are allowed to be average. You are allowed to be bad at things and still do them.
‘Your house doesn’t have to look like a magazine.
‘You don’t need to rustle up every meal from scratch, or spend hours making birthday cakes and children’s fancy dress costumes by hand.
‘The sandwich generation especially needs to hear that they cannot be everything to everyone and asking for help is not weak, it’s survival.’
This could look like paying for support (carers, cleaners, meal delivery) if you can afford it, or taking turns – if possible – with siblings, friends and neighbours to share the load of childcare and looking out for older relatives.
She added: ‘You will feel guilty either way, so choose the guilt that comes with boundaries over the guilt that comes with total depletion.’
