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Many people find it hard to name their feelings – but being able to identify your emotions is one of the secrets to not becoming overwhelmed by them.
If you find it a challenge, you’re not alone. In my work as a psychotherapist, I have helped scores of patients become more familiar with what’s going on inside their heads, it’s a surprisingly common struggle.
There’s a scientific reason behind this. Feelings and emotions begin as sensations in the body, processed by a part of the brain that doesn’t have direct access to language.
In order to name feelings, we need to be able to consciously identify the physical sensation before using a different part of the brain to find the words to describe the feelings.
This isn’t made easy given that the same physical sensation can be present across several types of feeling, e.g. butterflies in your stomach can occur when you’re excited, but equally when you’re nervous or because you’re hungry.
Without the language to describe feelings, understandably people might try to avoid the sensations altogether, often resulting in bigger feelings spilling out later on.
Equally we might simply give sensations a very general name (‘good’ or ‘bad’), which can distance us from the full breadth of human experience. We might feel disconnected from ourselves and the people around us if we can’t fully describe what is happening inside.
The phenomenon known as alexithymia or ’emotion blindness’ literally means ‘an inability to describe feelings correctly’ and it affects around 10 per cent of the population.
There are many reasons why we may struggle to name our emotions (stock image)
You can find screening tools online to see if you experience alexithymia – search for TAS-20 or Perth Alexithymia Questionnaire.
There is no definitive explanation about what causes alexithymia but there are several theories. These include differences in brain processing, early experiences with caregivers and their emotional range, or genetic factors.
Even if you don’t suffer with alexithymia, there are many reasons why we may struggle to name our emotions.
Societal and cultural pressures to put on a brave face may mean that we’ve learned to cut off from our emotions. The culture within our family of origin may have dictated that certain emotions are off limits.
A traditionally gendered view may suggest that particular emotions are masculine or feminine – that expressing anger if you’re a woman or sadness if you’re a man is frowned upon, for example.
It might be worth reflecting on the messages you received growing up and beyond to see if you can identify any patterns.
To get familiar with describing what you’re feeling, consider trying the Feelings Wheel, a visual tool that puts the topline emotions like happiness, sadness and anger at the centre of the wheel, branching out to more specific feelings at the outer edges.
You could also try the Emotion Sensation Feeling Wheel which works on the same principle but identifies emotions based on where you feel them in your body.
The Emotions Wheel can help you name how you are really feeling
Learning the language of emotions is just like learning any other language. Imagine going abroad and trying to communicate your needs without the language to do so.
You might be able to muddle through with basic words or even sign language, but it can make you feel more confident and in control when navigating your life to have the right language roll off your tongue!
In my new book, Find Your Path to Acceptance, I explain that science tells us that even by naming what we’re feeling, the intensity of that feeling will drop a little and we feel less overwhelmed by it.
But what if we don’t have words for what we’re feeling? A 2021 book, Atlas of the Heart surveyed 7,000 people over five years, asking them to list the emotions they could recognise and name, as they experienced them.
The average number of emotions named across the surveys was three: happy, sad and angry.
Anyone who has watched the 2015 animated film, Inside Out may be able to name five emotions – joy, sadness, fear, anger and disgust. If you caught the 2024 sequel, you can likely name another four – anxiety, envy, embarrassment and ennui.
The Atlas of the Heart authors actually determined that there are eighty-seven emotions and experiences that define what it means to be human.
But why is this important? The more accurately we can distinguish our feelings, the more effectively we can manage and navigate them.
For positive emotions, this clarity can help us recreate and sustain them, and higher emotional ‘granularity’ is strongly linked to greater well-being and positive life outcomes.
- Extracted from Find Your Path to Acceptance by Lottie Storey, out now on Leaping Hare Press, RRP £7.99
